Sounds good, huh? But . . . now the excuses come. You don’t want to take up someone’s time. What if the relationship doesn’t work out? You hate it when someone gives you advice. You don’t know who you would ask to be a mentor. It all seems like too much of a bother. You can make it on your own, thank you very much . . . and on and on. The fact is, it is always your choice, and you decide which tools you want to use on your road to career development. However, please don’t underestimate the potential that exists in the mentor/mentee relationship. Let’s dispel some myths:

1. You don’t want to take up someone’s time.

Rest assured that mentoring is a two-way exchange, and your mentor also benefits enormously from your relationship — sometimes far more than you do. Have you ever had the opportunity to be a guiding influence in someone else’s life? Maybe at work, as a preceptor. Or at home, with your children. Or maybe with a little sister or brother, or friend.

People mentor others for lots of reasons. Perhaps someone helped them at a time when they felt lost and stuck, and, with the help of the mentor, they were finally able to achieve their dream. Maybe you remind them of someone they once knew and weren’t able to help at the time. Or their intuition tells them they want to help you. Or your project closely parallels their own dream and allows them to vicariously experience the joy of completion through you. Maybe they admire you, your goals, and your vision. Maybe they just like to cheer for the underdog. Their reasons stem from a variety of sources, including past experiences in these kinds of relationships, self-image, and basic values, goals, and needs. The mentoring relationship can provide fulfillment to all parties involved, though probably for vastly different reasons.

2. What if the relationship doesn’t work out?

If you do your "front work" carefully and with a lot of thought, you can avoid some of the major pitfalls that can occur in the mentor/mentee relationship. Dr. Phillips-Jones describes this front work as "the right formula."

The first ingredient in the formula is mutual respect. Respect and trust are essential for successful relationships. You have to truly believe that your mentor has enough status, skill, or power to help you before you’ll accept them in that role. At the same time, your mentor must have a positive attitude about you and feel that you’d be a good investment, worth the time and energy it would take to groom you. It is important to talk about your expectations for the mentoring relationship up front to make sure that you are both on the same track. Finding a good match in terms of goals and expectations is an excellent start.

The second ingredient is to determine the appropriate quantity and quality of mentoring. If you do not see the assistance offered as appropriate or valuable to you, or if you find the information outdated, superficial, or not worth the time and energy, chances are the mentoring relationship will not work. Remember, though, sometimes things that don’t feel quite right at the moment turn out to be incredibly valuable in the long-run. Don’t let your resistance, judgment, or preconceived notions keep you from seeing the value of the help offered. Sometimes a tough call to make, but simply keeping an open mind goes a long way.

The third and last ingredient is proper timing. Whether or not mentoring will work depends on where you and your mentor are in your own lives, plus the specific timing of your initial contact. It is not unusual to look at an opportunity you may have strolled right past three years ago and wish it would come along now, when you really need it and are ready for it.

3. You don’t know who you would ask to be your mentor.

If you are like most potential protégés, you probably don’t personally know any mentors who could provide the help you want. And even if you do know someone, you might not know how to approach them. Again, if we turn to Dr. Phillips-Jones and follow her suggestions, a seemingly impossible task is made simple.

First, identify what (not who) you need. Make a list of the kind of help you’d like to have. Ask yourself: If you were as successful as you wanted to be right now, what would be happening? Would you be learning new skills, getting financial backing for your ideas, or finding out how to plan and implement a project? Perhaps trying out a new lifestyle, or writing and publishing an article or book? Earning more money? Starting a new job? Getting feedback on your style, appearance, or progress? Careful thought should go into making this list for two reasons: (1) perhaps some of your needs can be met by other resources besides mentors, and (2) the list will help you be very clear about what you’re asking for when the time comes. Make it easy for your mentors to meet your needs by presenting your goals in a specific and logical way.

Next, evaluate yourself as a prospective mentee. Are you open to receiving help from others? How do you really feel about becoming a mentee? How "dependent" are you willing to become? How can you maintain that balance between dependence and independence that you’ve worked so hard to attain? Are you willing and able to ask someone for help? Is it difficult for you to be in the receiving role instead of the giving role? If you see potential problems here, it may mean that you need to find a mentor who would prefer to play a more passive role in the relationship. Or you can experiment with the more traditional approach to mentorship and see what happens if you make some custom-made modifications. It may not be as hard as you think. Remember, it’s only temporary.

Now, identify some mentor candidates. Go through your list of needs once again. Begin to make a list of some possible mentors. You may want to list more than one person for a particular need. Use your imagination and think of anyone who might be able to help you in your endeavor. Think about the most influential people you know, who might be able to help you directly or know someone who could. Who do you know that thinks you have potential? Who has recently achieved the things you want and might be inspired to help you? Who has helped you in the past and might help again?

Maybe you’re thinking of a few people who seem like they would make good mentors, but you can’t identify exactly what they could do for you at this point. Put them on your list anyway, and see if you can learn more about them. Something about them might surface that will present a new aspect of potential help to you.

As you look at your completed list, begin to ask yourself some questions about each candidate: Where are the potential mentors in terms of their own careers? Are they just beginning, or are they perhaps switching career fields? How influential are they? Do they hold any offices, or have they received any honors? What is their current situation? Are they in the middle of a crisis? Put yourself in their shoes and ask if you would be ready to help someone else at this particular time. If they’re under a lot of pressure, that could possibly lead to negative consequences for you. Have these potential mentors ever helped others? In what ways? How do they feel about mentoring? Can you talk to their former protégés? Bear in mind that even though these potential mentors might not have helped others, they may still be able to help you. Perhaps no one has ever requested their assistance before.

If you already know the possible mentor, evaluate your relationship with them. Would adding the mentor-mentee dimension have a positive or negative effect? Do you share similar goals and values? If the potential mentor is very different from you but can be of great help, try to figure out ways to work around or at least tolerate the differences for as long as the relationship is valuable.

Before you approach your candidate, do some preparation. Find out all you can about the individual’s work, special interests, and needs. Talk to others who know them. Overall, think through your request before you present it. Anticipate every possible question or negative response and have answers for each. Once you’ve anticipated all of the obstacles and thought through some creative ways around them, you’re ready to take the plunge.

After all this preparation, the time has come to approach your possible mentors. Common sense and courtesy can be your guide here. Probably the oldest (and safest) way to make the initial contact is to ask a mutual acquaintance to mention you to the potential mentor. Ask them to put in a good word for you — don’t hesitate to capitalize on the power of a referral! Just be certain that your mutual acquaintance sees you as favorably as you think they do. If you’re not sure, ask them for a frank reaction.

This is the approach I used to initiate the mentoring relationship that helped me write this book. My good friend Marti was in a graduate nursing program and raved constantly about one of her professors. Everything I heard about this professor told me that our values were similar, and she’d been in nursing for over 35 years! She’d had lots of exposure to student nurses, people in transition, and nurses in the midst of a major career shift. I asked Marti to approach the professor to see if she was interested in establishing a mentor/mentee relationship with me. Once this initial step had been taken, I simply called at the agreed-upon time, explained who I was and what I hoped to accomplish, and asked for her help.

When such contacts aren’t possible, many people simply "put their cards on the table" and write the person a letter. Try to compliment the person on something they’ve done, and then share something about yourself that will spark some interest. If you can think of anything that you might be able to do for them, by all means mention it. If your request relates to a project, include examples of your work, if possible.

Once you’ve arranged a meeting with your possible mentor, be sure to do your homework before you get there. Decide on your personal agenda, and what you want the meeting’s outcome to be. Be sure you are clear about your needs, your goals, and your vision. Respect is being established here, so take care to dress appropriately and decide in advance what you’ll say — and what you won’t say. During the meeting, listen attentively, show interest in any concerns, and agree to consider any advice you’re given. Be specific in your request for help.

Follow up the meeting with an appreciative note or phone call. Tell your mentor how much the visit meant to you, and comment on a specific thing they said to you, if possible.

If your request didn’t work out, analyze why it failed. Did you ask for too much? How was your timing? Did you select the wrong person? Did you clarify exactly what you wanted? Did you remember to think of ways to make the experience beneficial for the other person? Did you come on too strong? Could you have been the five-hundredth person that day to ask for something?

If you think there was some glimmer of a chance with this person, you can try another approach, or maybe wait a few weeks and make contact again. But if it was a definite no-go and feels like a lost cause, move on to the next person as soon as possible. The proverbial "getting back up on the horse" definitely applies here. Don’t let yourself be scared away because of one attempt that didn’t click. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself right smack in the middle of a mentoring relationship!

These steps can be of great value on your path to developing successful mentoring relationships. Evaluate the goals you’ve established and see if there are any areas in which a mentor could assist you. Maybe a mentor could help you to clarify your goals or work toward making them more specific. They might provide guidance and feedback as you go through the processes of developing your résumé, interviewing, and deciding on job offers.

This process can feel scary for nurses. We have not, traditionally, been oriented toward finding out what can help meet our needs and goals. I have to admit that I was a nervous wreck when I made the initial phone call to a potential mentor. However, one thing I have learned in the past few years, that has proven to be true again and again, is that if I feel afraid or resistant to try something new, it is usually related to not being familiar with it, not feeling good enough about myself to do it, or being afraid I’ll fall flat on my face. What I’ve also found to be true is that the only way to get familiar with something new is to try it, that we are ALL good enough, and that life goes on after a few scratches on the nose!

If you have an interest in the mentor-mentee relationship, want to seek out a mentor, or even want to be a mentor, I would definitely recommend reading Linda Phillips-Jones’ The New Mentors and Protégés. Or, you may want to obtain Dr. Phillips-Jones’ The Mentoring Program Design Package. It contains a coordinator’s guide, mentor’s guide, and mentee’s guide — everything you would need to set up a mentoring program in your workplace. You can order either or both of these resources from:

Coalition of Counseling Centers
13560 Mesa Drive
Grass Valley, CA 95949
916-268-1146

Reprinted with permission from the book; The Nurses' Career Guide by Zardoya E. Eagles, RN.